My wonderful husband and I were organizing and packing items when I (finally) came upon a large box that I have been looking for over the past weeks. Within this box contains items that will be copied and forwarded to a former friend's ex-wife at her request. It seems that are a few discrepancies that need to be cleared up. In 2011, I was accused of having an affair with her husband by a stalker girlfriend that he was supposedly dating at the time. Since I was more than 1500 miles away and had no personal contact with exception of a 20-minute visit in which I left because of continual lies and texts to his stalker girlfriend "claimed to be wife" via Google+ posts. The exception to this is that he had been secretly contacting me off and on for more than 30 years. and, Yes, there were a few encounters, promises of having me come live close by, and happily ever after, and I was to keep his secrets which I have, mostly, until now. I had not seen him or had contact with him since marrying in 1999 until 2010 when he contacted me through his friend. During the times of contact, I was single.
I presented my husband with the question; why are women always the ones blamed when an affair happens. In the case of my stalker, it was due to her relentless pursuit of the man that she wanted and still claims to be even though she is married to another man. This is an interesting phenomenon and time to be investigated! Men are just as at fault as the women!
I believe that what people have failed to understand is that married (or even attached) men are in an extracurricular relationship and should bear as much responsibility as the women. If a man is married and in a relationship and the woman is single; the woman hasn't cheated or broken any vows or lied to a spouse for that matter. The married man is the one doing all of those things.
So why is it that the woman comes out the bad "guy"? My husband and I had a long conversation as we journeyed through the box and I wrote down a few items that we have agreed upon in consideration of what we now know about my former friend.
1. For some reason, it is easier to blame the woman. When a wife doesn't know the women involved, it is a lot simpler to call her every ugly name in the book and not feel guilty about it. In my case and as I found out later, there were several women that she was calling names and had her suspicions about. Of course, it is always easier to blame someone you are not emotionally attached to.
2. Women want to believe their partners. In my case, I believed every word he said. We had known each other since I was in high school, stupid and naive. The "other woman" is familiar with all of the lies that the men tell their wives. The men do this because they do not want to lose their wives. When I was single, it was easy to tell me that he had to wait until his daughter was in college or that he would lose everything if his wife found out. Women are always more willing to forgive their man. The man makes them believe that they have no choice but to cheat and he walks away as a victim. Of course, the wives are not interested in hearing the side of the other woman even though they are aware of what the man is truly like.
3. These women have broken "the girl code". We all know it is there. There are some women who lie better and believe they are above this code. They just want to win. Believe that there is an unwritten rule among woman that forbids them to chase someone who is already involved. The "other woman" has broken the girl code and cannot be trusted. Of course, all of the blame is hers and not the man. This is very one-sided so someone, please, identify to me what the man code is?
4. It is too painful to place the blame on the man. It is easier for a woman to blame the other woman because it is too embarrassing and humiliating to believe that they were not enough to keep their man happy at home. Ouch! I am accused of still wanting this man which is so far from the truth. After finding out many interesting details from research, friends, and his ex-wife, who would want him? I am not the one posting to the public internet about him after being married to another!
As my husband said, something that should be remembered is that the men are the ones in a relationship and they would be held to blame; if not even more so. If a man is truly happy and committed to his relationship, he will not be tempted no amount how enticing it may seem. He will not chase either; as was in my experience. It is important to see the other woman in a positive light and admire her strength and fortitude. But remember, if pushed far enough, she will reveal the secrets, the contracts, the prepaid telephone cards, the letters, the cards, airline tickets, the gift cards (2 never used), the instant messages, the complaining of too many coffee purchase expenses, the anger about a purchase of a flower shop, a new barrel horse, and complaints about the wife, and much, much more.
As for my husband, it is a silent triumph for him. And as for the ex-wife, she will come to a truth and a closure!
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