Een the Good, the Bad, and the Annoying!

 

Difficult people are everywhere, like it or not. It’s pretty certain that at some point in your life, you’ll come across a challenging person and will have to find a way to deal with them. It would be easy to think, “Why bother?” if being around them causes you hurt and grief. But it’s not as easy as that. Sometimes we’re just forced into situations we have little control over.

Being related is one such circumstance. In fact, family members are often the hardest to deal with, because they’re connected to us in a more complicated, intimate way. With difficult acquaintances like friends, colleagues, lovers, or neighbors, you may have to deal with them for a time, either until a conflict between you is resolved, or you are able to remove yourself from the situation. With family, we are almost obligated to go the extra mile for the sake of the integrity of the family group. In other words, personal relationships may affect the family as a whole. If you don’t get along with a family member, it may very well put stress and strain on other familial relationships as well.

It has been a difficult six years for me. My husband has "escaped" death four times and there are days when it seems as if he is declining. I have felt alone, discouraged, frustrated, and wished that a family member would walk up on my porch and say, "hey, let me carry some of this load with you". Unfortunately, it has felt like we have been cursed with a plague because even my brothers who should be my spiritual leaders have been non-existent with exception of attending the wonderful birthday parties I would host. I have learned to admit that until they experience what I have with my husband, it is a mute point to understanding their reasoning and absence.

So what do you do with those people you may not like very much and may not choose to have in your life, but are forced to deal with because they’re family?

Please don't try and fix a difficult person! Accept them exactly as they are. (This applies to all difficult people, not just family.) It’s tempting to try to help someone you want to care about; you probably will make some efforts to help them. Sometimes it works, but often your efforts will not be rewarded. In fact, trying to fix someone or make their life better may become a huge headache, since the more you do for them, the more they want from you. Accept that they are unable to change, at least at this point in time. Unless you see real change and proof that this person is making an effort to listen and meet you halfway; you can assume that their behavior is what it has always been. It’s important to temper your expectations about what others can and want to do. I have wanted to declare their shortcomings and mistakes to the world but I have resolved that silence is my past revenge and continue to love them and pray for their best from a distance.

It is important to be present and direct. Know that a person who is trying to stir up conflict can easily set you off emotionally, and even physically, possibly raising your heart rate and blood pressure. Try to avoid getting into a fight-or-flight response, which inevitably leads to becoming defensive. You do not want an argument or heated discussion. Stay true to yourself, grounded in your own integrity. Be direct and assertive when you express yourself. Stay focused on how you respond. Know when the discussion or argument has accelerated to the point of no return; meaning it’s no longer about conflict resolution, but just about winning. If it gets to this point, stop the interaction, and leave the conversation.

It is important to encourage difficult people to express themselves. Let them fully state their point of view about the issue/conflict/problem without interruption. Why do they feel judged or criticized by others? What do they feel people misunderstand about them? What do they want or expect from others? The idea is to remain as neutral as possible. Just listening, rather than trying to engage, may be enough to allow someone to feel like they have the opportunity to say what’s on their mind. Showing respect for another’s differences may go a very long way. I love to send cards and other loving momentos to let them know that they are loved, appreciated, and thought of. It makes me feel good also!

Copyright © 2022 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

candalee@candalee.com 

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

The Way You Act ...

 People say things and make promises they have no intention of keeping on a daily basis. You can tell someone you love him or her as many times as you want, but until your behavior coincides with that, the other person will probably not believe you. Some feelings cannot be expressed in mere words; they require actions to speak for them. Words are cheap, anyone can tell someone they love them, but they will not feel the immensity of these emotions until they are acted upon.

I have learned this with family. LOVE is a flippant word; to be stated when one has no intention of following through. The way people conduct themselves in different situations is a greater determinant of behavior and character than the words through which they choose to express themselves. What you do holds much more significance than what you say. Know your values.When you’re not clear what your values are, you’re at risk of becoming a helpless passenger rather than a confident driver of own life. You’ll be at risk of jumping on board with other people’s ideas and may be easily led astray. Take back your power by acknowledging your values and living true to what’s important to you. Don’t say what you don’t mean. I have spent years trying to make other people feel good that I wasn’t making me feel good. For years and years and years, just to find LOVE and validation from others; that I belonged in their circle. I did not and I will never fit. I am okay with that! It is unfortunate that we have to be uncomfortable trying to make others comfortable.

Once I had a woman in my life that I loved more than life. She is beautiful, talented, seemingly “perfect” person. She appears to have many friends. She is socially accepted. She seemed to be everything that I wasn’t. I learned that she wasn’t. She shared things behind my back that were not true and they were hurtful. She lied about wanting the best for my life. Of course, I was in denial that she was even doing it and then one day, truth revealed itself. Actions revealed themselves. I learned the hard way about human nature; about what family truly isn’t. I learned what LOVE is really not. Don’t read into this because I still love her with all my heart, I have forgiven her, but I haven’t forgotten how she made me feel. Less than, not capable of being, not enough! And I am okay with that!

Today, my life is filled with my own family; college, art, writing, and music. It is all that I need and it is becoming my super-power. I have risen from the ashes from which others fueled the fire and watched me burn, seeds and all. And I am okay with that!