Resilience

With the assistance of my incredible husband, I have converted our basement area into a painting studio.  I used to oil, acrylic, and water paint when I was younger.  I have joined a painting class and it has provided for great opportunity in relaxation and definition. 

In material science, resilience is the ability of a material to absorb energy when it is deformed elastically, and release that energy upon unloading. Proof resilience is defined as the maximum energy that can be absorbed up to the elastic limit, without creating a permanent distortion. The modulus of resilience is defined as the maximum energy that can be absorbed per unit volume without creating a permanent distortion.  

The past two weeks have proved interesting.  Due to the corona virus and certain cowards/bullies within the realms of my life, I was dismissed by my employment.  I have found it to be a blessing as within the week I acquired another employment with incredible persons (one with great disdain for a family member who caused drama in his life) and even more monies. You see, resilience tends to be my middle name and much to the demise of my enemies.  

When I paint a canvas, I see the finished product in my mind.  My life is like the white canvas on the easel.  The colors that I use are of my choosing.  It is the start of my life and the white space is open for new experiences and opportunities in its goal of creating a masterpeice.  It is empty to fill with all of the upcoming creations of my journey.  As we add color on the canvas, in all different colors and directions, we add even the smallest of our life experiences.  We can even overlap old and create new.  

This is an unique kind of beauty.  If someone leaves my life due to any circumstance and just because I don't see them or talk to them anymore doesn't mean that they are not in my masterpiece.  Of course, a part of my painting may not be completely visible but it is still there.  I can see the colors, the individuals and the experiences that have occurred since the beginning of my white canvas.  All of the intertwined into my life experience.  My life gives me time and space to fill my masterpiece with the colors of my choice to create the masterpiece that is my life. 

Resilience is the beautiful color that runs through my painting.  There are legal avenues to handle the wrongs and it is sad that the dark lines of gossip and drama are not brought to me in person to resolve.  The dark lines are covered by subtle and calming colors to show my love and resilience.  These colors are at the forefront of my masterpiece.  Experiences and individuals confront us and they can test us.  It can be clean or it can be messy.  I am the artist that gets to decide what colors portrayed on my canvas and everyday a new color is added.  A new line, a new mark, and a new part of my life.  The beautiful colors are my choice.

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www.CandidCandaSpeaksOut.com

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Sins of the Few

Shared family secrets are pieces of information known within the family but forbidden to outsiders. Some of these pieces of information, as in the case of family traditions and inside jokes, actually increase closeness and cohesion by creating an internal culture that feels special. That said, shared family secrets are also more likely to center on taboo topics, such as abuse within the family, a family member’s incarceration, or the presence of alcoholism.  My mother was a good person for this kind of behavior and as I study more in school, the more apparent this behavior is to me.   My secrets were always revealed publicly but the secrets of my brothers always kept hush-hush with threats to me if they were revealed.  Perhaps it is time for them to be revealed!

This past week has been amazing!  An incredible new opportunity with amazing people!  You see, resilience is an phenomenal characteristic and I have it.  My sister-in-law did not succeed in her anger and betrayal.  In fact, the opposite has happened.  In fact, her actions will be her own demise.  She has been caught in lies and soon all will be revealed.  People cite many reasons for maintaining family secrets, including not telling the whole truths, protecting their own families from judgment, dealing with possible consequences, and privacy.  These secrets create a boundary between the family and the outside world.  They many pressure individual family members to limit their outside relationships to protect the secret getting out.  Family members feel trapped by the secret and struggle to create close ties outside the family. 

Truth be known, I have been the black sheep or the family member to internalize the shame for many years.  My mistakes have been publicly made known and caused heartache and a devastation of a dream.  How happy I am that the employment made ALL names known and an employment attorney can now take action.  But no loss on my part as I have landed an incredible opportunity and movement forward like I could never have imagined.  

In keeping the family secrets, be sure to journal everything!  Even if it seems unimportant.  The time has come for revelation because FULL truth needs to be known. 

Thank you, dear sister-in-law and other cowards/stalkers!  Your plan of demise didn't work but consequences will be great!

#meanfamilymembers #lovemeanpeopleanyway #shouldntcheatonhusbands #familysecretsrevealed

Lessons .. Lessons Learned

What a beautiful morning!  The sun was just coming up as my puppies and I walked our long canal that winds around out home.  Made lunches for my husband and I for work and out the door!  How are you handling our crisis in the world today? Thankfully we are the few blessed souls that still actually goin into a job.

An individual secret is a secret kept by one person from the rest of the family and includes things like hiding a romantic relationship.  It could be a spouse's extramarital affair or a family member maxing our credit cards.  Individual secrets tend to center on a member hiding a rule violation.  Individuals bide these violations to avoid consequences and possibly protect others from the pain of the secret and the fact of the violation.  

Individual secrets can lead to immense anxiety within the family,  The secret holder may feel anxious about being found out and the rest of the family can feel that something is not right.  They live in fear of being found out.

I have to laugh at this because texts between my sister-in-law and my ex-husband, flirtatious texts, were given to me.  I feel bad for my brother; I wonder if he knows?  Texts between an abusive man; one who physically and emotionally hurt me, horribly hurt my daughter and son, drove off with my infant son while drunk in a pickup (can you imagine the frantic of a mother).  I am not the only one; two other women from his past who I am friends with can give the same experiences with this man.  In one of my classes, I learned that abusers seek out abusers.  I also learned that a percentage of abused become abusers.  This cycle is becoming very aware to me as I have experienced abusers.  I would think that my sister-in-law would be more aware of her actions.  Of course, she is the "perfect" member of the family.  One point, perfection can come with a fall.  Unfortuantely, she is in a position of power in her employment and employment statements have been made to my ex-husband which are abuse of her power and noted.  Employment attorneys love such!

As a woman (and yes, I have made mistakes which will be addressed later), we have to be careful of how we are perceived.  If married, no matter how difficult, we cannot have such individual secrets.  Family loyalty is to be followed no matter now hard and how angered one must be.  Only a coward does the damage without the loving confrontation to clear the air and reconcile.  

How do you feel about family secrets?  Has a family secret devastated how you feel about family loyalty?  Write me and let me know how you feel.

#candaleeparker #candaleewhittleparker #familyloyaltyisimportant

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www.CandidCandaSpeaksOut.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.

Stupid .. Not Me!

Families often keep under wraps the dirty secrets.  The persona of the perfect family in pictures and in public attempt to overshadow what really is going on behind the scenes.  What happens when secrets are revealed can cause hurt, confusion and betrayal.  How do we navigate the emotional territory between openness and privacy, closeness and individuality? 

These past months have given me an opportunity to explore the family secrets.  I have learned that a sister-in-law has felt enlightened to share (what she believes) be the dirty secrets of my life.  Most aren't even true; some are but did not need to be revealed.  What if her most intimate secrets were shared?  What if her children were embarrassed by what they learn and now public.  Do my brothers know what is being passed around and if they do, they are accessories to cowardness and the bullying frenzy!  

My children know everything because keeping secrets from children should be carefully thought through.  Children are extremely perceptive and may become alarmed or anxious if they sense something of a serious nature is being hidden from them.  The most damaging scenario would be if one or more children firmly believe that they are somehow personally responsible for whatever undercurrent is going on in the home.

Keeping family secrets can cause suspicion and resentment. It can cause a false sense of reality, especially among children.  When eventually told the truth, either by a parent, or even worse by someone outside of the family, 

When eventually told the truth, either by a parent, or even worse by someone outside, there world might be shattered.  I know that I have felt this emotion more than once.  The secrets impact on children can be profound, regardless of their age.  Parents who habitually keep secrets from their children should keep in mind the possibility that such behavior could very well be repeated in future generations.

Comment back to me on your feelings of family secrets?  How have they affected you?

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www.CandidCandaSpeaksOut.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.

Overcoming Bad Behavior

I love watching the sunrise.  Our world is covered in snow and the sun’s rays glitter across the beautiful fields and colors our surroundings.  It warms my heart and brightens my day!

This past week has been a week of realization and courage.  I have had to downplay my thoughts that this is not a world of second changes.  Whatever mistakes that one makes far reach more than the successes.   The mistakes travel far and reaching like a snowball gaining speed on a downhill travel.  Facts are exaggerated, revenge is stated, and the stories become as large as the snowball gaining speed on its downward spiral.

Why are there people who wish to squelch one’s desire to move ahead, improve emotionally and intellectually?   Jealously, revenge, self-betrayal?   I was taunted to move ahead in my career and I did.  Yet, a coward decided to contact my new employment and degrade me to my superiors.   Of course, anonymous is a the mark of a coward.  It does not allow one to confront the accuser.  Because of past experience with a stalker and a bully, police reports were completed, and the person who wanted to show power and manipulation will be prosecuted through the legal system.  My boundaries were violated and I will no longer be a mere object of someone’s jealous zeal.  One aspect of a fast moving snowball is that eventually its speed carries them into a hard stop and it shatters far and wide.  So happens to a narcissists who wishes to do harm to another.

Human beings are social creatures and need social interaction, positive feedback, and validation of their worth.  Most are happy with the attention they receive through the normal activities of work, school, and play.  There are those persons who need additional attention and they get it by behaving inappropriately.  It could be due to lowered self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence, low levels of self-love or feeling insecure.  Some may seek positive attention by creating situations in which they hope to be praised, thanked or admired.  Some seek out attention by always having something to complain about or by being sick in order to gain attention.  It could be a sign of exhaustion or a reaction to pressure and stress.  If the behavior is persistent more than normal, it can be a sign of an underlying mental health issues.

There is an article by Billi Gordon, PhD, in Psychology Today, that asserts that, “Excessive attention seeking is not a character flaw.  It is a brain wiring response to early developmental trauma caused by neglect”.  The article does on to describe attention-seeking in terms of brain function with the conclusion that it cannot be fixed but it can be managed.

Attention-seeking behavior inevitably involved other people.  Collusion is a great word.  Collusion is the secret or illegal cooperation or conspiracy, especially in order to cheat or deceive others.  Misery loves company and a coward needs an army to continue in a war of deceit, manipulation, temper tantrum, tattle telling, and “poor me” melodramas of attention seeking behavior also amounts to bullying.

Be the better person taking the higher road of encouragement and compassion.  Dig two graves should one want the lower road of anger and revenge.  Live your own life and make it one of successes to be reported not a reputation of being a bully, a stalker, or worse, a coward.  Because eventually bad acts are revealed and truth prevails.

Please encourage her to do so .. 

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www.CandidCandaSpeaksOut.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.

No More Circus

Over the past months, I have had serious conversations with persons who I have been close to for a long time.  Truth be told, they were tough conversations.  I have learned that even though I was told I was loved and appreciated, I was not by persons who should have had my back and who should have been true friends.  It was a ruse to use all that was known could be given and played upon my gentle and caring nature and abundance of talents that could save them the monies they needed to save for other persons thought to be more important.

I have learned that there are signs and red flags that should have gone off.  I was told by my husband that there were there but I did not believe him because I believed in what I thought to be persons of decency, honesty, loyalty, family, and friend.  I know now that they cannot tolerate exposure, rejections, humiliations, criticism, or their skeletons of the past being revealed so it has to be turned on the person that finds out their true character.  I have moved away as quietly as I can, with love, determination, and resolve that this will never happen to me again.

Be careful of those who do not feel empathy or fairness.  They will find a way to "get even" or "revenge" upon you.  I blame myself for allowing such behavior to demean my self-worth and manipulating me into what they needed from me.  It will happen no more.

I am grateful in my determination to complete new classes in making me more aware of what actually happened and I wasn't the one with the issues.  Oh, I acted like an idiot clown and I played in that horrid three-ring circus but no more.

Copyright © 2020 by CandaLeeParker.com

IRideTheDarkHorse.blogger.com

www.candaleewhittleparker.com

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To Love Our Enemies

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison ..Nelson Mandela

To love our enemies does not mean that we suddenly become their friends.  If it is our enemies we are to love, they must remain enemies.  Unless you have enemies, you cannot love them.  The moment you choose your friends, their enemies become your enemies.  By having convictions, we make ourselves the enemies of those who oppose our convictions.  I received an email to my website asking how I do not hate my enemy, my bully, my stalker.  I told her that it is my adult woman enemy that has given me success, inspiration, and the desire to be better.

When we have a mutual intimacy with a friend, it is one of the greatest gifts of life.  I enjoy my close friends; some since early childhood.  Friendship allows for many degrees of closeness and takes many different forms.  With enemies, it is the complete opposite.  After all, the word enemy comes from the Latin word, inimicus, and it means simply, not friend.  Enemies are opponents in mutual opposition in matters of deep concern.  Their goals are opposed to our own highest aspirations.  Thus, out of conviction, we must actively prevent them from reaching their goals.  We can do this lovingly, or not.  We can find ourselves head-on confronted with the possibility to love of enemies.

My enemy suffers from real life issues and we take that into consideration.  Her attempt to destroy my life has not worked and my new-found courage to confront her makes her angry.  I will no longer allow her to step into my boundary that I have firmly placed around me and my family.  Her carelessness will be a downfall in the not too distant future.

Copyright © 2019 by CandaLeeParker.com

IRideTheDarkHorse.blogger.com

www.candaleewhittleparker.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.